Getting back together with a girlfriend after she has dated other guys?

Question

Suppose a young Jewish couple, Bob and Jane dated, and had sex. (Yes, I realize premarital sex isn't ideal under orthodox Judaism, but I am interested in the halachic and spiritual implications given that this is going on between people.) Then, they did not get married but split up and began seeing other people. The girl then got into a relationship with another guy, where they had sex. Eventually the Bob and Jane realized they actually made a mistake and really wanted to spend the rest of their lives with one another. Can they get married?

Halachically, I know that a man who has divorced his wife cannot go and re-marry her if she went and became the wife of another man in the meantime. Since so many relationships today involve sex but not marriage, I want to ask what the situation is when there was no marriage.

I understand that, in the past, sex (in fact "yihud") was one way to acquire a wife, but I don't think any rabbi today would consider a couple married because they had sex. If that would have been the case then a Jewish man would have to give his girlfriend a get when she leaves. So I do not think that particular law applies. But what does Judaism say about the situation spiritually as well as whether the couple can get married after all that?

@DoubleAA - Just curious re "protocol" or preference. You liked to a question that itself was marked as a dupe. Why not link to the original question? — DanF, Apr 02 '15 at 18:59
I don't think the question Double AA linked to is a dupe, but it is indeed related. This question doesn't ask whether the girlfriend needs a get. But given that there was no marriage, what is the halacha about sexual relations after a breakup where they saw other people? — Gregory Magarshak, Apr 02 '15 at 19:03
@loewian Why did you tag Niddah? It's not mentioned at all in the quesiton — Double AA, Apr 02 '15 at 19:06
@DoubleAA I (originally) assumed the OP was including the original violations in constructing his question. Otherwise, it does seem to be a duplicate. — Loewian, Apr 02 '15 at 19:16
@loewian A duplicate of what? The question is about Machzir Grushaso, no? — Double AA, Apr 02 '15 at 19:24
Gregory, I'm not clear what didn't answer your question with the current answer. You write in your question "If that would have been the case then a Jewish man would have to give his girlfriend a get when she leaves." So no Get, no issue, which is what the current answer says. — Yishai, Apr 07 '15 at 01:34
Just because there is no issue with this particular halacha does not mean there is no issue at all. For example, just because using a cellphone on Shabbat doesn't violate the prohibition of fire does not mean there is nothing to be said about it from another point of view. After all in Torah the words are that the woman is "defiled", which suggests sexual activity, regardless of marriage status. Aren't there any opinions of poskim regarding this situation, which isn't unheard of these days? — Gregory Magarshak, Apr 07 '15 at 02:08
@GregoryMagarshak, see rashi on those words. The defiled is about a different case. The Torah is saying two things 1) He can't take her back after remarriage to another, and 2) He can't take her back after she defiled herself (by being secluded with another man after being warned about him). — Yishai, Apr 07 '15 at 02:40
So doesnt the second case apply even when it is a non marriage relationship? Can a man take his pilegesh back after he let her go and she slept with another (waiting 3 months in between)? Anyway why not let people answer — Gregory Magarshak, Apr 07 '15 at 10:05
Gregory, No, the second case only applies in a marriage relationship. http://judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/tagged/sotah-secluded-woman — Yishai, Apr 07 '15 at 14:35
Fine, perhaps there are other aspects of Jewish law that apply to this situation? It seems you are saying that, since this does not deal with a marriage, therefore there is no area of halacha that concerns this, or poskim have never given any opinion on what is the halacha in this situation. — Gregory Magarshak, Apr 07 '15 at 15:34
Gregory, I think the question of waiting three months to acertain paternity is interesting, actually. I don't know the answer off hand. But it isn't the question that you asked in the post. — Yishai, Apr 07 '15 at 16:07
Yishai, I know. I am looking for the question in the post to be answered. I think it's pretty clear that you don't think halachot dealing with marriage are applicable to this question, but what about all the rest of halacha? Perhaps you could relate what rabbis say in this situation? — Gregory Magarshak, Apr 07 '15 at 22:03
@Yishai See Taz http://beta.hebrewbooks.org/tursa.aspx?a=yd_x5544 possibly it would thus depend how recently the first breakup happened. — Double AA, Apr 07 '15 at 22:14
I can't believe that no one has been able to find any poskim or halacha about a couple splitting up "to see other people" and then later getting back together. I thought Judaism would have had an opinion about this, besides "premarital sex is not ideal." — Gregory Magarshak, Apr 08 '15 at 11:59
Although sexual intercourse is one of the 3 ways to marry it doesn't mean that doing so automatically marries you. You need intention and I think some form of witness but not of the act itself. I think with Yibum though sex alone works even without intent. — CashCow, Apr 13 '15 at 09:35
I understood everything except the last sentence. What I am asking about is this -- forget marriage. Outside of marriage what are the major opinions regarding this situation? — Gregory Magarshak, Apr 13 '15 at 10:31
Related: http://judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/17039/does-casual-sex-establish-a-marriage — Shmuel, May 27 '15 at 22:10
Related: http://judaism.stackexchange.com/questions/14146/if-a-jewish-couple-is-married-through-a-civil-ceremony-alone-do-jewish-marriage — SAH, Dec 09 '15 at 00:34

score 10 · Answer 1 · edited Apr 13 '17 at 12:42

10

Both the first relationship and the second one would have to be formal marriages (the kind that requires a Get to dissolve) for the prohibition of remarrying your divorcée to come into effect. (ShA EH 10:1)

You already asked elsewhere about giving Gittin to girlfriends after breaking up with them.

edited Apr 13 '17 at 12:42

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answered Apr 02 '15 at 19:03

Double AA

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I don't see why you assume it's so clear cut that a "relationship" with relations doesn't raise any concern at all of ishut. The source you reference refers to a "one-night-stand" or prostitution. The institution of "living together" is a fairly recent invention and mirrors most closely what used to be called "marriage". Hence the psychology where the "boyfriend" would be upset if the "girlfriend" "cheated". At the very least I would think there should be a safek dependent on whether relations in the context of a committed relationship effects a kinyan. – Loewian Apr 02 '15 at 19:24
@loewian I never assumed anything like that? What are you talking about? – Double AA Apr 02 '15 at 19:25
:) The OP was asking about committed relationships, which at least raises the question of being distinct from no-commitment-relationships, which is the simple understanding of the source you cite. As such, it doesn't really answer his particular question. You would have to first prove that halacha is not concerned with the psychology of the relationship before using your source as a proof. – Loewian Apr 02 '15 at 19:32
@loewian My source completely addresses the situation: if it is a formal marriage requiring a get to dissolve, the prohibition of machzir grushaso applies. If not, not. What is wrong with my source? – Double AA Apr 02 '15 at 19:37
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@loewian, the question assumes that no get is needed in this scenario. If you want to address that, it would be better as a comment on the question. This answer avoids taking a position on the issue, which is fine, IMO. – Yishai Apr 02 '15 at 19:51
double AA - just to be clear, I do not assume in this question that any kind of Get is required, in fact I explicitly say that this is not marriage, but ask what halacha and rulings apply to this situation. – Gregory Magarshak Apr 02 '15 at 20:20
As for the type of relationship, I guess the closest type 2000 years ago was a pilegesh. But I am asking for rulings of modern poskim. – Gregory Magarshak Apr 02 '15 at 20:21
@GregoryMagarshak My bad. And good point about the pilegesh. (Though there are rishonim [the Rambam?] who hold that pilegesh is an institution that only exists by kings.) – Loewian Apr 02 '15 at 21:08
@DoubleAA as the OP mentions in a comment, the relationship does perhaps mirror a pilegesh which is not really addressed by the source cited. – Loewian Apr 02 '15 at 21:12
@DoubleAA this question does not have to do with marriage, but rather with sex. Is there any prohibition on getting back together with a girlfriend after she has slept with others? Could you please amend your answer to address that situation? To be clear: I am NOT asking how the prohibition on remarrying divorcees applies in its original form here. I'm asking if it, or any other halachic considerations, apply here. – Gregory Magarshak Apr 07 '15 at 22:07
"in its original form" What other forms are there? I don't know what else you want to know. Why else might this be problematic? My answer is about any case of sex and tells you which 'sex's are problematic and which aren't. – Double AA Apr 07 '15 at 22:09
So basically you are not aware of any halacha that says that I shouldn't take a girlfriend back who has slept with someone else, and potentially marry her later? There is absolutely no opinion on this situation? It's just as allowed as beginning the relationship with someone I've never met? Your answer seems to be more about marriage than sex - your answer doesn't contain the word sex at all. Sorry if I am coming across combative, I'm just telling you what I'm really asking. – Gregory Magarshak Apr 07 '15 at 22:21
I have to award the bounty to this answer since no other answer has been offered, but this answer doesn't deal with the actual question - it rather answers the question of whether the prohibition on remarrying divorcees applies - the question already stated that it didn't. – Gregory Magarshak Apr 14 '15 at 00:46

Getting back together with a girlfriend after she has dated other guys?

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