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Some people, especially Baal Teshuvas who drastically change their lives to being fully observant may find it somewhat overwhelming to observe the minimum halachas in being an orthodox jew (such as praying in a minyan 3 times/day)

Let's say if a particular person knows that if he forces himself, he will become irritable and stressed out and will wind up lacking in his middos area (character traits) and bein adam lechaveiro (mitzvos between other people).

Whereas, if he is more lax and neglects some halachas (like davening alone instead of with a minyan for mincha/maariv), he will not be stressed out and will be better in his middos area and bein adam lechaveiro (mitzvos between other people)

which is better?

msh210
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ray
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    Ask your LOR. Each persons case has to be evaluated on its merits. – Gershon Gold May 22 '13 at 18:30
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    Who requires a person to pray in a minyan? – Charles Koppelman May 22 '13 at 18:50
  • I don't see why following the mitzvahs should ever have this effect on anyone in this way. If he is trying as hard to work on his midos as he is on working on following the halachas bein adam l'makom, why do we assume that these are the ones that will fail? Is there a certain maximum amount of stuff that a B.T. can do, and is that maximum exactly between doing all of the mitzvahs bein adam l'makom and doing the mitzvahs bein adam l'chaveiro? – Daniel May 22 '13 at 18:57
  • Furthermore, doing mitzvahs should strengthen his discipline, which would make doing the mitzvahs bein adam l'chaveiro easier, not harder. – Daniel May 22 '13 at 18:58
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    @Daniel, while I agree that the praying-in-a-minyan example is poor (not required, as Charles noted), I've seen people who are increasing their observance run into problems with kashrut ("what do you mean you can't eat in my house?") and Shabbat ("what do you mean you can't do (whatever) any more?"). This is probably part of why books like After the Return have an audience; it's not always straightforward. – Monica Cellio May 22 '13 at 19:15
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    @monicacellio ,one has to pray with a minyan,the Igros Moshe explains that when the Shulchan Aruch writes lhistadel it means it is a chiyuv. – sam May 22 '13 at 19:27
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    @sam, though Charles Koppelman's question is rather strongly worded, I think the point, at least as it struck me, is that there are many obligations that supersede Minyan attendance, and that it is a poor example of a conflict that could create this level of tension within a person. Really? He's keeping Shabbath, Kashruth, Niddah (if married), Tzitzith, Tefillin, says his Berachoth before and after meals, is careful with his speech, and Minyan is stressing him out? – Seth J May 22 '13 at 19:33
  • @sam, fair enough (assuming a specific "he" and not a gender-neutral one). But I agree with Seth; many obligations can trump the minyan requirement, so it's not as good an example as some others would be. Ray, sorry for my inappropriately-strong characterization. – Monica Cellio May 22 '13 at 19:37
  • well minyan attendance is one of the most demanding of all things. it's 2 hours a day and 2-3 trips to the synagogue. not to mention sabbath and holidays, rosh chodesh, fast days, etc which re longer. but ok maybe its not the best example. – ray May 22 '13 at 20:14
  • @SethJ I was actually trying to understand whence this came, not to raise an objection – Charles Koppelman May 22 '13 at 20:51
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    @good_ole_ray, I'm not saying it's a bad question to ask how someone can balance Minyan 3x daily with the regular demands of life, but if a person, especially a Ba'al Teshuvah or Ger who has fundamentally altered his entire lifestyle, has everything else going but is struggling to catch Minyan 3x a day, I think that person ought to be commended! – Seth J May 22 '13 at 20:58
  • @sam That is R Moshe Feinstein's understanding but I don't think that it is universally shared. – Double AA May 22 '13 at 22:20
  • Mazal Tov on reaching established user status! Would you please consider indicating, anonymously, where you live? The more community members are accounted for there, the closer we come to being able to plan events to bring people together in person, some day. – Isaac Moses May 23 '13 at 20:14
  • Closely related to @CharlesKoppelman's and other comments above: http://judaism.stackexchange.com/q/28935 – msh210 Jul 05 '13 at 05:17

2 Answers2

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This is one of those areas where he really, really needs to be consulting his rabbi. As noted in the question, you can't just flip a switch and -- boom! -- you're observant; it's a process. But, per Avot 2:5, you also can't say "I'll do it later"; later may never come. Only your own rabbi can help you chart a path between these two extremes. (Which is better? Neither, probably!)

I have often heard people talk about the "ladder of mitzvot", with the idea being that even if you're not at the top of the ladder yet, if you're going in the right direction, you're on the right path. This idea seems to apply particularly to baalei t'shuvah and geirim. And even for the rest of us, it can be a powerful idea -- surely there's something we can always be doing better.

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Monica Cellio
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First of all, I can only mirror what people said before me: ask your LOR!!! Halachically (please don't take it as a psak for this case) it is okay. In Hilchos Geirus a well known Haloche is cited: that a Ger has to take upon himself all Mitzwos at the moment of Geirus. One of the Meforshim (I would have to look up exactly which one it was) adds that a Tinok Shenishba (so basically every Baal Teshuva) can take upon himself one Mitzwe after another rather than all at once. So the answer would be yes, he could skip certain things in the beginning. (Again, no Psak for this specific case; your friend should ask his Rov; if he doesn't have one yet, he has to get one ASAP.)

msh210
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  • what about if the person still has not adjusted after years? – ray May 22 '13 at 21:03
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    @good_ole_ray, nobody here is saying don't try. We are saying talk to a rabbi and don't let it stress you out so much that it affects your quality of life and alters your relationships with people. Always try, and know that nobody is perfect, and we all struggle in our own ways with fulfilling our obligations. That's life. – Seth J May 22 '13 at 21:24
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    @good_ole_ray Sometimes the reason the person still has not adjusted after years is because they take on (even if they don't realize it) stringencies which cause unnecessary stress, that's why going to a rabbi would help because the rabbi could guide him/her what is a must do/don't do and what is beyond. – Meir Zirkind May 23 '13 at 03:51