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If a Jewish man and his Jewish girlfriend have sex regularly, what is the best way to atone for this? I know that it's kares, but is there any way to atone ?

msh210
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Nossiee
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2 Answers2

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Assuming that premarital sex is a sin (and many authorities agree that it is):

When a person sins, he makes teshuva (repentance). Part of making teshuva is absolving not to perform the sin again.

If a person has no real intention of changing his actions, then his teshuva is pretty much worthless. As the Sages say:

With regard to one who says: I will sin and then I will repent, I will sin and I will repent, Heaven does not provide him the opportunity to repent, and he will remain a sinner all his days. (Mishnah, Yoma 85b)

God isn’t going to take you seriously if you ask him to forgive you and you have no real motivation to refrain in the future.

ezra
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  • Im not a particularly religious jew @ezra, but I know that when I get married, I will have my sins forgiven and try to do better going forward. – Nossiee Jul 14 '23 at 04:03
  • I grew up very secular to soviet jewish parents and I tried to learn more about my heritage... not too sure this strict religious thing is my forte. – Nossiee Jul 14 '23 at 04:04
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    @Nossiee We’re not always perfect, yet we should strive to do what is right. I’m not saying you have to wake up tomorrow and be 100% observant, but you should know the consequences of your actions and own up to them. Know that there are many mitzvos you can perform, even if you fall short in other areas. – ezra Jul 14 '23 at 04:06
  • I know but im only human... I cant refrain from sex. whats better, this is a serious genuine question-- for me to have sex with a gentile? – Nossiee Jul 14 '23 at 04:19
  • The rabbis make the religion impossible for secular believers in hashem like myself. I'm genuinely trying to be a better jew. I dont keep kosher, I don't keep shabbos, but I try to avoid work on sat + not eat bacon and shrimp. Yes, I have a gf, like most people... I have sex with my gf... the idea that Im somehow akin to a murderer by the rabinical standards is insane. – Nossiee Jul 14 '23 at 04:21
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    Dear @Nossiee: You need to get in contact with a Rav with experience in kiruv. Your dilemma is one that will be familiar to him, and he will be able to help guide you. – N.T. Jul 14 '23 at 04:21
  • nt, any suggestions? – Nossiee Jul 14 '23 at 04:22
  • @Nossiee basically any Chabad rabbi. Or people from Aish or Ohr Sameach – Curious Yid Jul 14 '23 at 04:29
  • Should I break up with my gf? – Nossiee Jul 14 '23 at 04:33
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    @Nossiee I wouldn’t. You should talk to a rabbi. On top of that, you should continue to perform the mitzvos you ARE observing with strength. – ezra Jul 14 '23 at 04:37
  • I dont want to be "kares." and some of these laws are too strict for me... It really alienates me from judaism, cause I grew up in a completely secular home... only started learning about my religion in my teens, now Im in my 20s, and I tried only dating jewish girls... but apparently I cant even have relations. I want my kids to be more religious than me, but it seems that I just keep getting isolated further away – Nossiee Jul 14 '23 at 05:03
  • @Nossiee go and learn some Torah. Focus on that, trying to deeply understand your mission in life, and getting to know your God. Focus on doing these 2 things as sincerely as your life allows, and you'll have guaranteed success in all of the worries you are expressing in this thread. Also note, planning on doing teshuva in the future makes the teshuva not work (your comment about getting married). The truth is, you don't need to have sex, you are not needy! Develop a higher, more noble vision of who you are - it's the truth, and the skies the limit to what you can do. Much success to you – Rabbi Kaii Jul 14 '23 at 09:38
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    @Nossiee other than everything that has already been said, please be aware that your hormones are no different from those of billions of people worldwide, including millions of Jews. Among Jews there are other young unmarried people who work to control their hormones until they are able to get married. It's not easy, but it's not impossible. There also people, not necessarily Jews, who practice sexual abstinence. The "I can't" mentality is an illusion. A person can certainly go on and enjoy life even during sexual abstinence. Look up the topic, there's a lot of info out there. – Harel13 Jul 14 '23 at 12:04
  • I genuinely would not be happy being abstinent, nor do I think it's natural. However, If this a sin I can atone for-- I'll be far more "easy" on myself. I grew up in a secular jewish home, only learned about my faith in HS/College. However, I'm happy with where I am in life, and I seek a relationship with Hashem, who I love, who I believe loves me. I dont keep kosher/shabbos, but I do pray, fast on YK, started not eating Chametz on passover-- I'm getting there. However, giving up sex and like... pretending I'm kares because my (jewish) GF and I are intimate... is a bit extreme. – Nossiee Jul 14 '23 at 13:36
  • https://he.wikisource.org/wiki/%D7%9E%D7%A9%D7%A0%D7%94_%D7%99%D7%95%D7%9E%D7%90_%D7%97_%D7%98 – rosends Jul 14 '23 at 14:03
  • @Nossiee I have been through this kind of thing myself, please send me an email (my address is on my profile) before or after Shabbat and we can discuss – יהושע ק Jul 14 '23 at 14:23
  • @Nossiee this came up, 100% https://youtube.com/shorts/zezsHo4P8Fw?feature=share – Rabbi Kaii Jul 16 '23 at 15:42
  • Sorry I didn't see your response. Aish and Ohr Sameach are good, but the best would be a local rabbi. See if this link helps you: https://jewish-links.yolasite.com/kiruv.php – N.T. Jul 16 '23 at 21:17
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I have seen firsthand 2 cases of couples who lived together unmarried and became religious during that time. In both cases their rabbis had them move into separate apartments and only see each other in public for 3 months prior to getting married.

This is not a general rule, just the specific advice given in these specific cases, and is provided purely for informational purposes.

יהושע ק
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