In losing a very close friend recently am at a loss how to commemorate according to Judaic law and custom. How is this done?

Question

A very close friend of mine passed away recently and I do not know what Judaism teaches specifically about how to grieve and mourn. I am seeking grief comfort passages in the Torah/Tanach from source aside from reciting mishnayaot, lighting candles and sitting shiva. The grief itself - how to express it in a holy way and if there is a bitachon/emuna process to undergo - what is that process exactly. Thanks.

Answer 1

I am sorry for your loss. One of the wisest things about the Jewish morning process is that it realizes that there is no magic recipe for comfort. Acceptance, and even comfort, take time. We absolutely do believe that everything happens for a reason, that the souls of the departed are in a better place, and in the eventual resurrection of the righteous. But those abstract ideas can often be small comfort to those left behind and can be among the last things a mourner wants to hear. See Ramban in his introduction to Torat HaAdam. Judaism also generally takes an approach that feeling and spirituality often follow action. The practices of lighting candles, learning mishnayot, and sitting shiva are not just pointless rituals; they are part of the process of finding comfort and acceptance. In other words, I think your question assumes a false dichotomy between mourning rituals and the effort to "express [grief] in a holy way" or "a bitachon/emuna process to undergo" because those are inherently related. Most people who have sat shiva, rachmana l'tzlan, will tell you that at the end of the process they felt "ready" to get up and start to move on.

In a nutshell, the Jewish mourning process begins from a place of accepting profound grief and gradually transitioning to a place of acceptance and honoring the dead. What I'm about to write is a very short summary that may help guide your process. Rabbi Maurice Lamm has a wonderful book called the Jewish Way in Death and Mourning that has information about Jewish practices beliefs, and attitudes around death that elaborates on all this. On the day of dead, the mourner is an onen who is exempt from most mitzvot and focuses solely on the fact of death and funeral arrangements. During shiva, the mourner is mainly "living" his or her grief full time with the support of community, family, and friends. Over the next 1-12 months, the mourning practices are still present but less constant and more conscious. In addition, the mourner does things that shift the focus from personal mourning to elevating and honoring the memory of the dead (kaddish, learning torah, lighting candles, yahrtzei observances, etc.).

Finally, in terms of specific things to read and think about, my experience is that different things work for different people. You may find comfort in reading parts of the Bible that deal with suffering and acceptance/comfort, such as Job, Jeremiah, and Lamentations. You may find comfort in reading passages of hope and/or the redemption/resurrection, such Micah, Isaiah, Zecharia, and Ezekiel. You may find comfort in reading about what Jews believe about the afterlife and resurrection. Some of this is in Rabbi Lamm's book. If you can read Hebrew the second volume of Rabbi Chaim David HaLevi's Aseh L'kha Rav has a long discussion of these issues at the beginning. You can also check out the Shaar HaGemul of the Ramban and Rambam's Introduction to Parshat Helek. You can also find eulogies of many rabbis and other great Jewish figures online, which might help you see your friend's loss in context as part of a chain of Jewish tradition and Jewish values. In short, what comforts you or works for your own emunah is not a one-size-fits all issue, but I think Jewish mourning practices are also a good place to start in that process.