3

I'm asking this because I'm sure that I'm not the only one here, so hopefully this won't be counted as a personal question.

For well over 20 years, I've struggled with the temptation to look at things that I shouldn't, and with spilled seed. I am married (and I have children if that makes any difference), and TG that has helped a great deal, and TG, my problems are not as bad as they once were. I'm familiar with most of the practical advice with dealing with these problems as I've had a good look around at previous questions, so I'm not looking for that. I'm also not looking for justification, or even to minimise the severity of these sins. (I'm not trying to make any excuses, but I do think that there are a couple of complicating factors that make it hard for me to completely stop. I won't deny though that there is a definite element of it being a constant battle trying to overcome my temptation and sometimes I win for a period of time before relapsing - I feel that I am very much the addict who can't ever seem to quite shake it).

My problem is that I'm familiar with what many of the sources say about spilling seed and how severe it is, and I'm completely wracked with guilt to a degree that I think is very unhealthy, but I feel that if I take these sources at face value (eg. the Talmud, I think in Niddah that compares it to the three Cardinal Sins), then I can't help but feel that level of guilt. I'm really not sure how to deal with this, and I don't feel that this is something that I can discuss with my Rabbi. I'm not expecting there to be any scope for this being allowed, but the severity that is described seems so harsh and difficult to deal with when it is something that I think many men find very difficult.

Should all of these sources be taken at face value or is there any scope for it not being taken as literally as that and that it isn't really that severe? Is there any scope for saying that someone who is frequently fighting his temptation in this area is treated more leniently by G-d?

Kvetch
  • 33
  • 4
  • See the Steiplers letters about this topic in the first part of Kreina Digrasa – Schmerel Sep 28 '22 at 02:18
  • @Schmerel, where might I find that? I've not come across it before? Is there an English translation available on the web? – Kvetch Sep 28 '22 at 08:04
  • Aside from your question. Please bear in mind what Rambam teaches us (Hilchos Teshuva 3:4), namely: "Accordingly, throughout the entire year, a person should always look at himself as equally balanced between merit and sin and the world as equally balanced between merit and sin. If he performs one sin, he tips his balance and that of the entire world to the side of guilt and brings destruction upon himself.
    • guilt can be the yetzer hara. Ask G-d for help doing teshuva. Don't stick to your sins, thinking about them....
     – Shmuel Sep 28 '22 at 08:57
  • @Shmuel I appreciate that, but it is hard to do when you are dealing with a repetitive sin that is described in such harsh terms! – Kvetch Sep 28 '22 at 11:13
  • I think being so upset, can even stand in the way of proper teshuva. Focus on the bright side, is often said :) I would recommend two works: Mishneh Torah Hilchos Teshuva & Igeres HaTeshuva by the Alter Rebbe. That might help. – Shmuel Sep 28 '22 at 11:21
  • 1
    @Shmuel thanks. I will look at those. It is a vicious cycle because I often get so stressed about failing that the stress leads me back into doing it. I imagine that people trying to give up smoking get that too, that the pressure to quit gives so much stress that they just need another cigarette to cope with the stress. That's why I asked this question, and the various responses have made me feel that yes, I'm still sinning and I need to keep trying to stop, but I'm not on par with a serial murderer or an idolater and I shouldn't treat myself that harshly as it is counterproductive – Kvetch Sep 28 '22 at 11:32

2 Answers2

2

It is not as severe as all of the sources say. See the excellent article, Elul Anxiety, by Dr. Bentzion Sorotzkin, where he addresses this point as well as other related issues. I believe he discusses it in further detail in one of his other articles but cannot find it at the moment.

Yehuda
  • 739
  • 3
  • 8
  • 1
    See the sub-section, entitled Fearful Chazals, where he discusses your particular question. – Yehuda Sep 28 '22 at 03:25
  • The source you presented doesn't mean it is not as severe as the Sources Say. Just that Teshuvah can address it which I already made mention. – code613 Sep 28 '22 at 04:59
  • 1
    Thank you so much for this - it is exactly the kind of thing that I needed! Maybe I need to go back to the therapist I used to see and finally work up the courage to broach this topic with him. He might very well have read this himself as he is very good at including Torah in his therapy. Even if I don't, this helps me see that I need to focus much more on my own happiness and not stress so much about sinning as it just leads me back to actually doing what I'm so anxious to avoid. You'll never know how much of a mitzvah you've done by pointing me to this. PG it should be a merit for you! – Kvetch Sep 28 '22 at 08:21
  • 1
    @Kvetch Rav Mordechai Willig gave a shiur several years ago about OCD (https://www.yutorah.org/lectures/lecture.cfm/753894/rabbi-mordechai-i-willig/the-line-between-piety-and-ocd/). If I recall, he pointed out that many people face crippling anxiety and guilt over this specific sin. His advice was that people should do basic teshuva just as with any other sin (vidui, charata, resolving to try not to repeat the sin - and if they fail, then keep trying), and then not allow themselves to subsequently wallow in crushing anxiety and guilt. – Fred Sep 28 '22 at 08:40
  • @code613 See the Beis Shmuel he cites which expressly downplays the severity of the sin (albeit slightly). – Yehuda Sep 29 '22 at 03:12
  • https://hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=920&st=&pgnum=210 Igros OC4:116. Must-read. Written to "Mister ABC." He acknowledges that some of the language used by certain sources about the severity of the sin is exaggerated. (Still prohibited!) While you're there, stick around for the next responsum, a woman racked by guilt for something she'd done. There he points out the importance of having joy in life that God forgives us; falling into despair is counterproductive for your own self, and certainly not fair to those who count on you. – Shalom Sep 29 '22 at 11:06
  • If you read between the lines of OC4:117, it sounds like her husband was writing to Rav Moshe because his wife wasn't coping. He does advise occasional fasts and saying Tehilim if possible ... sounds like if she had a letter from Rav Moshe that said she should take steps ABC ... then she'd be able to live with herself. – Shalom Sep 29 '22 at 11:08
-2

Yes, per Rabbi Nachman the sources should be taken at face value and it's as severe as they say, however he z"l has revealed the Tikkun haKlali, and whoever is able to go to the Mikveh and read the ten Tehillim of the Tikkun on the same day the thing occurred, need not worry any more.

And regarding the second part of your question, fighting temptation of course is a merit but be aware that the very fight, or the guilt, fear and worry about this area could sometimes be as bad as the thing itself and actually lead to an unclean event, God forbid. So, the main thing is to be happy and pure, and not worry.

A good guide can be found at the end of Sipurei Maasiyot:

https://en.wikisource.org/wiki/Translation:Tales_of_Rabbi_Nachman/Sichot

[The Ten Tehillim]
[The Rebbe] urged his men, when an unclean mikreh/accident happens to them (i.e. nocturnal emission) to go immediately and right away to a mikveh [ritual bath] to immerse, because a mikreh can cause, God forbid, what it causes. Therefore it is very good that before some [bad] thing starts to be done as a result of it, God forbid, the man should preempt, and immerse and purify himself.
And he urged us very much that a man should not fear this at all, for fear, worry and melancholy in this matter are very, very harmful, especially since he has revealed to us the ten chapters of Tehillim/Psalms to remedy this error, namely: 16, 32, 41, 42, 59, 77, 90, 105, 137, 150, as explained in the books which have already been printed [Tikkun Haklali; Likutei Moharan #205 and II:92; Sichot Haran #141]. At that time he said, "Whoever manages to fulfill this, to say these the ten chapters of Tehillim on the same day he has a mikreh, God forbid, will surely have his error corrected, and should not [think] back and worry about it at all." He also made mockery of those chassidim and God-fearing people who, whenever some thought arises in their minds, have fear of having a mikreh, and due to this they are accustomed [to do the prohibited, God forbid] as if it were permitted — and he, of blessed memory, would make mockery of this. And his main intention was: that a man needs to not be scared or fear such things at all, without thinking any thoughts at all regarding this, but only be a valiant soldier standing against his craving and detach his mind from this completely and not be scared at all, and Hashem shall only let what is good in His eyes happen with him, whatever the Blessed One desires.
And he hinted with his words that this is the aspect of the blemish of King Dawidh, obm, with Batsheva, etc., but he did not explain the thing thoroughly. But a person very, very much needs to make himself strong in joy continuously, and not be cast down in his mind at all due to any thing in the world, no matter what happens to him. And if he is strong in his mind and does not get frightened at all, and does not contrive thoughts at all (which they call iber trachten/ over-thinking), but goes wholesomely in joy, he will merit to ultimately pass through everything in peace. And these things are impossible to explain in writing, "but a prudent one will discern the straight way he should go" [Prov. 14:15].

Nissim Nanach
  • 2,079
  • 9
  • 22
  • This seems to be referring to an emission when sleeping, rather than one intentionally caused after giving in to temptation. Is there not a difference? – Kvetch Sep 28 '22 at 08:06
  • @Kvetch Of course there's a difference but it's also called "the General Remedy" on account that it's a repair for all kinds of sins, as explained within, so it helps for that too. And also it seems to be one of those topics where "clean language" is used and one infers things "read between the lines." – Nissim Nanach Sep 28 '22 at 11:54