iam a 21 year old, my father was very abusive and he used to hit me curse me and use vile language for me and has absolutely no love towards me, which has caused me to be depressed and hence when my mother emotionally abuses me i loose control not due to my own but i also suffer from hormonal issues which further deteriorates my mood and i have no control over my anger. will i be forgiven, i believe im the worst daughter and i will receive the same behaviour from my future kids as so i’ve heard. I have a question even if i have repented will i still suffer from my future kids ? and will they treat me like i treated my mother although i have changed?
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Bismillahir Rahmanir Rahim. Alhamdulillahi rabbil-'alamin. Was-Salatu was-Salam 'ala Sayyidina wa Azimina, Wa Habibi Qulubina wa Shafii Nufusina, Abul Qasim Muhammad. Wa 'ala Ahli Bayti tayyibina tahireen.
will my children treat me the same as I treated my mother?
In Islam, a claim or a statement cannot simply be taken and accepted to be true. It must be proven with Quranic verses or by traditions of Infallible Imams of Ahlul-Bayt. Otherwise it qualifies to be nothing but a conjecture (or assumption) and acting upon it is forbidden.
O you who have believed, avoid much [negative] assumption. Indeed, some assumption is sin.
Quran does not contain explicit verse stating such claim, that if one mistreats his parents then he will be mistreated adequately by his children or if one treats his parents well then he will be treated well by his children. Moreover, you say “as so I’ve heard” that you didn’t get this claim from reliable sources – Quran or authentic Hadiths of Ahlul-Bayt.
It is befitting in situations like this to follow the instruction given by Amir-al-Momineen Ali ibn Abi Talib (asws) in following Hadith narration.
‘Abu Abdullah (Imam Jafar As-Sadiq asws) having said: ‘Amir-al-Momineen (asws) said in a speech of his (asws): Place the affairs of your brother upon the best (interpretation) until there comes to you (evidence) which overturns it, and do not act upon conjecture of a word which has come out from your brother except that you find for it in goodness’.
Some points
Even if we assume that this claim is true, that this is a certain pattern and always definitely has to take place, then there are some points important to mention.
This pattern fails in case of a person who mistreats his/her parents and never marries, or marries but does not have children, or has children but dies before their children get opportunity to mistreat him, or has children but they die before getting opportunity to mistreat the person, and so on alike. So the pattern, we are accepting to be true, does not work in these certain cases.
Mistreating parents is a grave sin according to Quran 17.
23.And your Lord has decreed that you worship not except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], "uff,"1 and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.
24.And your Lord has decreed that you worship none but Him. And that you be dutiful to your parents. If one of them or both of them attain old age in your life, say not to them a word of disrespect, nor shout at them but address them in terms of honour.
If this pattern we are considering is true, then it means that a person’s mistreatment of parents necessitates his children to mistreat the person as well. Saying with other words, if the person commits sin then it is due to his children to commit the same sin. And this is against the concept of free-will as deeds are committed by the will of an individual, not because same deeds were committed by parents of the individual. And what about the grand-children and then the next generations? Should this sin of mistreatment of parents be repeated forever, until the end of time? This doesn't make a sense.
An example in Quran that can reject validity of this claim is the story of Yusuf AS in which Yaqub AS, being a righteous servant of Allah, is caused troubles by his children, having righteous Yaqub AS himself cannot mistreat his parents.
And the last, and not the least, point is that the way how children treat their parents depends mostly on Tarbiya (education) rather than someone’s actions. This is the reason Quran 66 orders believers not to be heedless to Tarbiya (education) of children.
O you who have believed, protect yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel is people and stones, over which are [appointed] angels, harsh and severe;
In following Hadith narrations Rasool-Allah (saww) and Imam Jafar As-Sadiq teach a lesson regarding this verse
From Abu Abdullah (asws) having said: ‘When this Verse was Revealed: O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire [66:6], a man from the Muslims sat down crying and said, ‘I am frustrated from (saving) myself (and now) I am encumbered with my family (as well)’. So Rasool-Allah (saw) said: ‘It is sufficient for you that you should be enjoining them with what you enjoining yourself with, and forbid them from what you are forbidding yourself from.
I asked Abu Abdullah (asws) about the Words of Allah (azwj) the Exalted: O you who believe! Save yourselves and your families from a Fire whose fuel are the people and the stones [66:6], and I said, ‘This is my own self, I can save it, but how can I save my family? So he (asws) said: ‘You should instruct them with what Allah (azwj) has Commanded with, and prevent them from what Allah (azwj) has Forbidden them from. So if they were to obey you, you would have saved them, and if they disobey you, you would have fulfilled whatever (Obligation) was upon you’.