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first time posting anything like this so here goes.

I'm sick and tired of everything in my life, I don't see anything as worth pursuing, nothing seems worth it. the only thing I want to do now is die. growing up wasn't easy for me and maybe that's why i am what i am now.

growing up, from grade 1 to my first year in college, I was always bullied, by almost everyone, most of my classmates, my parents, even some of my teachers. they always made fun of me because i was fat, Muslim, middle eastern, or had epilepsy. I rarely had friends, and most of my friends even the one I have now, most of them have either disconnected from me for stabbed me in the back one way or another, I just don't trust anyone anymore.

growing up with my family, both my parents have narcissistic personalty disorder as i discovered later on in life. My dad, use to hit me, and put me down all the time, and my mom who not only hates Islam is also a feminist extreme told me all the time that all men are evil, all men should be killed off, men are this and that. I can't remember one day when she wasn't yelling or complaining or playing the born victim card, or trying to always make me feel guilty for everything.

I also had epilepsy a lot in my life, from when I was 10 to 18, I was always on medication, that heavily sedated me, I never got to know what it was like to be a child or a teenager, and when I got my brain surgery it left me with even more problem, I now have borderline personality disorder.

I believed in Allah from a very early age, from around 9 or 10 (I'm 25 now), living this life I asked for God's help, over and over again, and nothing. I pray and pray, and nothing, I ask for just some happiness in my life and I revive nothing. I look at others like my mom who insult Islam and ruin everyone lives, what does she get in return, she got marred to a rich husband, abandoned all her children (meaning my 2 siblings) and travels to a different part of the world for a short vacation like every other month. Other who have made my life a hell, and people who don't even believe in Allah, who openly mock, and insult Allah, get everything they want handed to them on a silver plate.

i gave up praying for the things that I want because I know now that even that won't make me happy, what I ask for from Allah now is death, to just let me die, so I don't have to deal with this world anymore. It just seems that Allah gives the wrong doers, the sinful, and wicked everything they want, and I don't get any happiness. I'm starting to lose faith, I'm starting to not care anymore, I just want to get drunk every night now and hope a die a painless death somehow.

what do I do, what can I do, I've read about peoples dua's not being accepted, and theirs the 3 ways that Allah answers, but honestly, I'm starting to lose faith that the help and mercy of Allah will ever come.

rico
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  • read about noah , ayoub and other prophets... may allah help you don't lose hope .. – melbx Nov 12 '16 at 21:48
  • https://quran.com/2/155 – melbx Nov 12 '16 at 21:57
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    I'm sorry you've had such a troubled life. You probably already tried, but just in case, maybe try to talk to a therapist. There are so many possible issues that could be solved medically, maybe solving one of those will make your social troubles easier to work through. – G. Bach Nov 12 '16 at 22:48
  • Read about "Spiritual Depression" and what friends of Allah go through. You're lucky, just embrace the problems, don't direct anger out and see how things change. Jazak Allah – Kamran Nov 14 '16 at 06:27
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    Don't look at the materialistic achievements of your mother or friends as an evidence that Allah cares for them but not for you. It's rather the opposite. When they die everything is lost for them. When you feel love for Allah and faith in your heart, you need to nourish it by sticking to Allahs orders - so drinking is not a good idea. Never give up supplications to Allah but a condition for their acceptance is that you try to avoid haram. Remembering the hardship of other believers is also a good way to feel better in our own miserable situation. – Noor Nov 16 '16 at 12:51
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    Don't give up hope!!!! Allah has not abandoned you!!!! – Noor Nov 16 '16 at 12:51
  • You're obviously going through a very difficult time, but this is not the sort of issue we deal with here: Rather than seeking help from random strangers on the Internet for this, you seriously need to work through your issues with people who know you that you can trust, be that friends, family, a local imam or a professional therapist. – goldPseudo Dec 13 '16 at 19:35

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This is really heart-breaking. And somehow, you are not the first person I see that has been suffering all childhood, without saying anything, and wakes up completely broken at 25.

Allah does not answer prayers in the way you want him to, otherwise the world would be very different. There is no need to hate him for this world. It will only add up to all the hate you have. The only way he can help you is through you, and through others.

You have been very unlucky so far. Most of the people on this planet are good people. You grew up within morons. Some were hurting you on purpose, because it made them feel better in a sick way. Some probably didn't even realize they were hurting you. Anyway, the deed is done.

You need friends. Desperately. And yet, I suspect you have relationship issues. On of the issues you will encounter is you will probably see all the bad things in the people you meet, before the good things. Try to be concious of how much it affects you, and not think about it too much. The only criteria you should have for picking your friends is whether they are nice to you or not. Do not refuse a friendship with someone under the pretext that they don't believe in Allah. Maybe Allah send them to you so that you help each other. You have no way of knowing this for certain, Allah works in mysterious ways.

Drinking too much and alone every night is clearly not a healthy or long term solution. It is pretty much escaping your life, only to find it worse the morning after. It is like a long suicide.

Try to drop your jealousy. Keep your desire for justice, it is a good thing to have. But do not compare yourself to others too much.

Try to see the good things in life. Start small, with a brunch, or a walk in the forest. Usually wandering in Allah's creation (wild nature) helps to clean your head.

You won't change or solve all your problems in one day. It will be long, don't be too hard on yourself. Be brave.

Good luck. Please say if this was helpful in any way, and if not, why (I also hope to have a comment to be sure that you didn't do anything stupid, I am quite concerned about you).

user5751924
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All of this bullying and stuff is a test from Allah. He wants to know if a believer is put under hardship, will he remember Allah? And you are passing the test. Those you pass will go to Jannah and if you keep your faith, you will probably go to Jannah as well. But that is not my decision. Right now you are not getting everything handed on a silver plate, but if you keep your deen then you will be rewarded at Yawm al Akhirah. May Allah forgive me if any of this is not correct.

Kehinde Abdulrazaaq Gafar
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