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Is there a more formal and POLITE way of saying "I'm not going to kiss your ass"?

I got suspended from work because I used this expression. My coworkers and I were having a conversation with our boss, we were discussing a lot of topics unrelated to work. Then biology came up, and my boss was being extremely ignorant and talking about stuff he knew nothing about, and everyone in the room was agreeing with everything he had to say. So I said something like "You know what, I'm not kissing your ass Mr. M. I completely disagree with what you're saying right now. You're talking nonsense."

Glorfindel
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studentxxy
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    What do you mean by a "more polite" way? Do you mean a similar expression that doesn't contain an expletive? Do you mean words polite enough to say to your boss? – gotube Oct 01 '21 at 23:02
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    @VictorB. The context matters. I wouldn't say, "lick your boots" to my boss, even though it's clearly a more polite expression than "kiss your ass". Anyway, the OP can tell me themselves – gotube Oct 02 '21 at 00:09
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    @gotube disagree that one is "clearly more polite" than the other universally. "Kiss my ass" has become so colloquial that it's lost some of its oomf (and I've heard some people do this for fun), whereas "lick my boots" has that cold, hard feel of dominance and submission (which I've also heard some people do for fun). So maybe it's really a toss-up? – uhoh Oct 03 '21 at 00:40
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    Generally, I remove one of my gloves, slap them across the face with it, and shout, "J'ACCUSE!". What it may lack in being at all appropriate is almost always compensated for by its glorious surfeit of formality. – John Smith Oct 03 '21 at 04:54
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    lol, so you want an a** kissing way of saying I'm not going to kiss your a**? – mcalex Oct 04 '21 at 05:35
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    Are you trying to avoid an impolite phrasing, or are you trying to be polite? There's a difference here. "butt" is a more polite phrasing than "ass", but it doesn't change the (lack of) politeness of the overall message. And if you want to change the message, then you need to give some context as to what can be diminished and what cannot. "I'd rather not" is astronomically more polite but it loses the assertive statement that it will definitively not happen. – Flater Oct 04 '21 at 11:01
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    I think "with all due respect" is known to mean "you are an idiot", so you can always start a dissenting opinion with that phrase and you'll have made yourself clear enough ... Actually, I'll make that an answer if it isn't one already. – Peter - Reinstate Monica Oct 04 '21 at 13:36
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    @studentxxy - I feel you could improve this question by adding the information that you shared in a comment on gotube's answer. The context matters a lot. I think your real question is "how could I have disagreed with my manager more politely." – Caledon Oct 04 '21 at 14:45
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    I have recently learned the word sycophant - I have never used it (in fact I would be afraid none of my non-native colleagues would understand me). So I am wondering if one of the possible answers could be I am no one's sycophant or I'm none of your sycophants. Is that word still in use, to begin with? – user776686 Oct 04 '21 at 19:35
  • @user776686 I would expect a reasonably intelligent British English audience to understand the words 'sycophant' or 'sycophantic'. No idea how widespread it is in other contexts. – dbmag9 Oct 04 '21 at 20:36
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    The word should be understood but is not really in common usage. A much more common term for the same thing is "yes man", as in "unlike the rest of these yes-men, I think..." however bear in mind that both your boss and your colleagues are likely to find this highly insulting, most especially if true. – Miral Oct 04 '21 at 22:09
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    What I find somewhat surprising is that you got suspended from work for something you said to your boss outside of work. I'd think that in many jurisdictions this could be fought in court. (Of course, as with so many work related court fights, the complete breakdown of trust and inability to peacefully arrive at solutions indicated by a court fight makes it not a fight to revert the suspension but, instead, a fight about the amount of money you receive when you leave the company. But still.) – Peter - Reinstate Monica Oct 05 '21 at 07:10

10 Answers10

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The formal and polite way of saying a vulgar expression is usually to avoid using any expression and just use regular words.

So, depending on the context of what the other person is expecting from you, one of these might work:

"I'm not going to blindly agree with everything you say."

"I'm not going to emulate you."

"I'm going make my own decisions on how to proceed."

"I'm not going to flatter you."

"I'll speak in favour of whatever course of action I think is best, which won't always be the one you support."

In short, speak directly to how you are not going to fulfill that person's expectations, or what you perceive are that person's expectations.

gotube
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    +1. I wish the question had more context/information/clarity. What OP is asking for seems to have many different possibilities in different contexts. I think the option you give in your answer are very helpful. But I wonder what you mean by "to avoid using any expression". – Eddie Kal Oct 01 '21 at 23:35
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    @EddieKal I mean that for most vulgar expressions, there isn't an equivalent polite expression. What are polite and formal equivalent expressions for "Fuck off" or "What a piece of shit" or whatever? Well, there's "piss off" or "piece of crap", but those are just tame versions of still quite informal expressions. True formal and polite equivalents might be, "Please stop bothering me" and "This is such poor quality." – gotube Oct 01 '21 at 23:42
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    @EddieKal I'm sorry. I should've been clearer. I got suspended from work because I used this expression. My coworkers and I were having a conversation with our boss, we were discussing a lot of topics unrelated to work. Then biology came up, and my boss was being extremely ignorant and talking about stuff he knew nothing about, and everyone in the room was agreeing with everything he had to say. So I said something like "You know what, I'm not licking your ass Mr. M. I completely disagree with what you're saying right now. You're talking nonsense." – studentxxy Oct 02 '21 at 11:35
  • kissing*** sorry. – studentxxy Oct 02 '21 at 12:27
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    Getting OT for this site but you might ask on Workplace SE: depending on what "biology" entailed, there may have been aspects that made the topic of the conversation of hostile work environment, implying gender based discrimination, ableism, unwillingness to accommodate medical needs, etc. If so, figuring out how you're going to deal with that in the future might be a good idea. – R.. GitHub STOP HELPING ICE Oct 02 '21 at 19:42
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    I did have course once say, "While I recognize the need for you to stroke and continuously masturbate your ego, I will not engage in such frivolous self indulgent behavior." ... However, while coached in a veneer of politeness it is far from that. – Adrian Hum Oct 03 '21 at 00:24
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    @studentxxy In that case, my first example sentence fits your situation best. And double upvote for saying that to your boss! – gotube Oct 03 '21 at 04:40
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    @AdrianHum I was trying to come up with a good sentence yesterday, how about " Mr. M. I am not going to behave in an obsequious manner just to obtain or acquire your admiration. I completely disagree with what you are saying right now." Does this sentence make any sense? – studentxxy Oct 03 '21 at 15:28
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    @studentxxy you wouldn't use both "obsequious" and "obtain or acquire your admiration" in the same sentence, because that's repeating yourself. Choose one or the other. – Brett Donald Oct 04 '21 at 07:34
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    @studentxxy Using fanciful words doesn't really make it less insulting. Your problem here isn't the word "ass", it's that you're implying everybody in the room/company is a spineless kiss-ass, and that the boss is pompous ignorant looking for validation. Or at least it's one possible interpretation that I could see being suspension-worthy. How to express your disagreement in a civil manner would be a question for Workplace or IPS SE, and there are probably answers there that can help you with that, assuming that's your ultimate goal. – AmiralPatate Oct 04 '21 at 12:54
  • @AmiralPatate you're absolutely right, in a business setting, this matter shouldn't have escalated to this level. I think it comes down to... "In no way can I support your point of view in this matter..." leave it at that. Anything else will just confuse the message. – Adrian Hum Feb 09 '22 at 00:05
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Some non-slang words which have similar meaning to boot-licking or a**-kissing are:

  • ingratiate (verb) or ingratiating (adjective)
  • obsequious (adjective)

So, for example, you could have said:

I disagree with you and my obsequious colleagues ...

Most of them would probably not even know the word, which would have added an extra layer to your insult.

Or perhaps this would have been kinder to your colleagues, by simply saying that you will "dare" to do something which they would not:

I will dare to disagree with you ...

But even if you think your boss is ignorant and your colleagues obsequious, what's to be gained by expressing that at all? Just engage in the discussion rationally and calmly, and don't make it personal.

Brett Donald
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"To lick your boots", "to bootlick/kowtow to you", "to fawn over you" - to me, these don't sound that rude.

Victor B.
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    They don't sound formal though, which is part of the question – gotube Oct 01 '21 at 23:13
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    None of these are either formal nor polite. Speaking of "bootlicking" is, in particular, rather rude, at least in standard American English. I would never send an email like this to a work colleague or anyone else in a vaguely professional setting, and I would be floored if I got such an email in a similar setting. – Cody Gray - on strike Oct 02 '21 at 09:42

  • The [two thousand year old] word "kowtow" came into English in the early 19th century to describe the bow itself, but its meaning soon shifted to describe any abject submission or groveling.

     – Mazura Oct 05 '21 at 02:44
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Given added information from the OP in a comment, a more workplace-acceptable statement would be:

I respectfully disagree with your opinion.

Eddie Kal
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dcollins
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I'm afraid I can't agree with you, sir.

Glorfindel
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user144324
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If you want to make your dissent with a superior clear, and make clear that you are doing it despite of your difference in rank, you can start your statement with "With all due respect — ... "

The linked question and answers seem to agree that the term is "problematic" and ambiguous: How much respect then is "due", after all? Perhaps not that much.

I think that description fits your use case near-perfectly: You want to set yourself apart from your colleagues by making clear that you are not a sycophant but stand up for what you think is right, without being outright insulting or using offensive language. Done.

Peter - Reinstate Monica
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    In my experience, this is the most common / acceptable way to disagree with someone who is in a superior position. "Respectfully" also works - "Respectfully, Mr. M, that just isn't accurate..." And the subtext is pretty well understood to mean "you're wrong, but I recognize that I'm not in a position to just bluntly say so." – Caledon Oct 04 '21 at 14:59
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    This is my favo(u)rite, as inwardly I know that "all" respect that is due is "none" :-) – Mawg says reinstate Monica Oct 04 '21 at 21:04
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It's tough to know exactly what you're after without more detail, but, "I must respectfully decline" is generally a good, simple, polite-but-firm way of absolutely refusing to do something.

John Smith
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I am not in the habit of lowering my standards to agree with you on this subject.

Karla Howard
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"I am not going there." tends to work (as well as may be expected, of course) for deflecting calls to sycophancy.

-1

In your sentence:

"You know what, I'm not kissing your ass Mr. M. I completely disagree with what you're saying right now. You're talking nonsense."

The phrase "kissing your ass" here means avoiding giving difficult feedback because of the relationship you have with person who would be on the receiving end. Like many vulgar phrases, "kissing your ass" can mean a lot of different things in different contexts, but that's the meaning it has here.

An alternative, non-vulgar phrase in that works very well in the same context is "sugarcoat". Sugarcoating your feedback would be to make it seem like you're agreeing even when you really disagree. Saying you won't sugar coat your feedback might imply you're going to be more honest, even if that's uncomfortable for the recipient.

So I'd suggest:

"You know what, I'm not going to sugarcoat it, Mr. M. I completely disagree with what you're saying right now. You're talking nonsense."

This won't necessarily protect you from getting in trouble with your boss, but with this kind of phrasing, at least you'll be getting in trouble for the content of the opinions you give, not for their presentation.

Blckknght
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