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What does the Torah, encompassing all of the Jewish works, say about the duties and responsibilities of a wife towards her husband? I would like some sources on the matter.

msh210
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4 Answers4

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This is documented in Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer around Siman 80 - including סימן פ - מעשה ידיה שהיא חיבת לבעלה, ודיני מיניקה ושאינה רוצה לעשות מלאכה

Some of her duties include:

א מַעֲשֵׂה יָדֶיהָ לְבַעֲלָהּ

What she earns belongs to her husband.

What she finds, also - that's in another Siman.

ד וְכֵן כָּל אִשָּׁה רוֹחֶצֶת לְבַעֲלָהּ פָּנָיו יָדָיו וְרַגְלָיו, וּמוֹזֶגֶת לוֹ אֶת הַכּוֹס, וּמַצַּעַת לוֹ אֶת הַמִּטָּה

Household duties, like making the beds.
Serving him, like pouring his drinks and washing his face, hands and feet.

ו יֵשׁ מְלָאכוֹת שֶׁהָאִשָּׁה עוֹשָׂה לְבַעֲלָהּ בִּזְמַן שֶׁהֵם עֲנִיִּים, וְאֵלּוּ הֵם: מַטְחֶנֶת, וְאוֹפָה, וּמְכַבֶּסֶת, וּמְבַשֶּׁלֶת, וּמֵינִיקָה אֶת בְּנָהּ, וְנוֹתֶנֶת תֶּבֶן לִפְנֵי בְּהֶמְתּוֹ, אֲבָל לֹא לִפְנֵי בְּקָרוֹ

If they are poor (and cannot afford a maid), she has to grind and bake, do laundry, cook, nurse and feed the domestic animals.

But all this is out of context - as the husband has duties towards his wife - that correspond to the above.

They also have to show each other mutual love and respect, and we learn in Yevamoth 62b and Sanhedrin 76b

תָּנוּ רַבָּנָן הָאוֹהֵב אֶת אִשְׁתּוֹ כְּגוּפוֹ וְהַמְכַבְּדָהּ יוֹתֵר מִגּוּפוֹ וְהַמַּדְרִיךְ בָּנָיו וּבְנוֹתָיו בְּדֶרֶךְ יְשָׁרָה וְהַמַּשִּׂיאָן סָמוּךְ לְפִרְקָן עָלָיו הַכָּתוּב אוֹמֵר (איוב ה-כד) וְיָדַעְתָּ כִּי שָׁלוֹם אָהֳלֶךָ.‏

mevaqesh
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Danny Schoemann
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  • Actually theres a gemara which talks about the household duties and days she's only chayiv in what her mother is used to. So if her mother is the wife of a billionare and she does nothing same for daughter. And in regards to the first one she can elect to keep her wages and reject his proviedence(food, shelter some clothes).I'll try to give the source. I think it's in chagiga – Orion Jul 04 '18 at 13:46
  • @Orion - I'd be curious to see a source for that. – Danny Schoemann Jul 04 '18 at 13:50
  • it's on kesubos 61a. Starting from 7 lines down about a wet nurse. I figured it applies to ask things logically and the artscroll says Rosh and shulchan aruch even haezer 80:10 say the same. Whatever is the custom of women in either his or her family likula is her responsibility. – Orion Jul 04 '18 at 17:14
  • @Orion you are right but there are exceptions https://www.sefaria.org/Shulchan_Arukh,_Even_HaEzer.80.1 and https://www.sefaria.org/Beit_Shmuel.80.12 – hazoriz Jul 05 '18 at 02:35
  • @hazoriz What's the exception in shulchan aruch? That it also depends on local custom? Its really just saying she should make at least some money. I just remembered learning that in the gemara. But it has nothing to do with chores. More like partial re compensation for his responsibilities. Seperate din. – Orion Jul 05 '18 at 02:49
  • @Orion every wife musrt spin wool, unless she suppurts herself – hazoriz Jul 05 '18 at 02:51
  • @Orion every woman must wash his hands face and feet , (but these are never forced) – hazoriz Jul 05 '18 at 02:52
  • @hazoriz Uh no. Read between the lines. It's clearly not specific these jobs. The point is that she works. At least as much as the custom is. Or at least dining wool(presumably the lowest paid job/general custom of Yisrael.) she can still take on another job than spinning wool as much it pays equally as much or more. And in regard to the feet where do you see that? – Orion Jul 05 '18 at 03:02
  • @Orion i recommend you re-read the 2 sources i linked to, and only after doing so read between the lines, – hazoriz Jul 05 '18 at 03:05
  • @Orion also https://www.sefaria.org/Ba'er_Hetev_on_Shulchan_Arukh%2C_Even_HaEzer.80.20 or end of this https://www.sefaria.org/Beit_Shmuel.80.21 – hazoriz Jul 05 '18 at 03:09
  • I reread the the shulchan aruch. Still stand by what I say. Maybe you should reread it. And you're second link in bit due what it had to do this. It seems like it's talking our other discussion. – Orion Jul 05 '18 at 03:11
  • Also the beit shmuel is saying the same that it's because of strife (which will be caused if the women doesn't work and makes no money and the man does). So it's not these specific jobs. It's any job that makes the same as the customary job or default job. This will avoid strife. – Orion Jul 05 '18 at 03:25
4

Proverbs/Mishlei 31:10-31 has a rather delightful summary of what makes a good wife, that I believe is often read at Jewish weddings. https://www.jewishvirtuallibrary.org/jsource/Bible/Proverb31.html I hope this helps you.

Bronwyn Johnson
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Shulchan_Arukh,_Even_HaEzer.69.3

... the work of her hands, what she finds, her fruits (the gains of her property), and her inheritance (belong to her husband ,unless they made other legal arrangements)

Rambam Sefer Nashim » Ishut - Chapter Fifteen - Halacha 20

And similarly, they (our Sages) commanded a woman to honor her husband exceedingly and to be in awe of him. She should carry out all her deeds according to his directives, considering him to be an officer or a king. She should follow the desires of his heart and shun everything that he disdains.

This is the custom of holy and pure Jewish women and men in their marriages. And these ways will make their marriage pleasant and praiseworthy

This Rambam is brought into practical law by
נטעי גבריאל - הלכות נשואין - חלק ב - פרק קיח - ב

And by.
האשר שבנשואין - חכמת נשים בנתה ביתה - פרק ג

And marital relations whenever he demands them (but he is responsible to get her in a good mood if she is not)

Rav Moshe Feinstein says that this is her only biblical obligation all the rest are Rabinic

אגרות משה (אורח חיים ו:ב.ה): מעיר על מה שפירש רש"י שאשה שפחה לבעלה כעבד
...
דמן התורה הא ליכא שום שעבוד על האשה לבעלה חוץ מתשמיש...

Rambam ibid

Halacha 18.

...
She should not deny her husband [intimacy] to cause him anguish, so that he should increase his love for her. Instead, she should oblige him whenever he desires.
...

And See rambam ibid chapter 14

halocho 8.

... A woman who withholds marital intimacy from her husband is called a moredet ("a rebel"). She is asked why she has rebelled. If she answers: "Because I am repulsed by him and I cannot voluntarily engage in relations with him," her husband should be compelled to divorce her immediately. For she is not like a captive, [to be forced] to engage in relations with one she loathes.
...

Halacha 9

[Different rules apply, however,] if she rebelled against her husband with the intent of causing him distress, saying: "I intend to cause him distress this way, because he did this or this to me," "...because he cursed me," "...because he has caused me strife," or the like, she is sent a messenger from the court, [who] tells her: "Take note. If you continue your rebellious conduct, you will forfeit your ketubah, even if it is worth one hundred maneh." ...

Just found book pele yoets

Hebrew starting on bottom paragraph of page י''ג

English Starting on bottom paragraph of page 19

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hazoriz
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    The Gemara in Eruvin alone is a pretty bad source as t describes a social norm; not a halacha. Furthermore, the norm described is how they tell their spouse their desire; not whether or not the spouse must comply. – mevaqesh Jan 03 '16 at 19:13
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    Incredible cliams require incredible evidence. Claiming that the soman must comply with the man whenever he wants while admitting to not know a source IMHO lowers the quality of the answer. – mevaqesh Jan 03 '16 at 19:14
  • @mevaqesh see halocho 18 "Instead, she should oblige him whenever he desires" http://m.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/952889/jewish/Ishut-Chapter-Fifteen.htm . shulchan aruch 77.2 moredes http://www.sefaria.org/Shulchan_Arukh,_Even_HaEzer.77.2?with=all . maybe now it is lost information but this is the only simple reason a man gets married "to use his wife" – hazoriz Jan 03 '16 at 19:44
  • I am not sure what you mean by "maybe now it is lost information", but there may be different reasons why different people get married. That does not necessarily have halachic ramifications. Just because a person wants something, does not mean he can take it. Furthermore, the Gemara says specifically that that is the reason why women are entered into the chuppa. According to you "reasoning" that ought to justify them demanding consent from their husbands, and obligate their husbands; a conclusion you explicitly reject. Lastly, if you have a relevant source, by all means, post it. – mevaqesh Jan 03 '16 at 21:10
  • @mevaqesh Please clarify "that ought to justify them demanding... " in a more simple language, I am not so smart to understand, /by reason I ment a the simple torah reason, see shulchan aruch harav Talmud Torah 1.13 end of middle paragraph http://chabadlibrary.org/books/adhaz/sh/sh5/6/1/13.htm If someone needs translation (of any of my sources) I will be happy to give, and I heard in a shiur a story in the Talmud of a Rabbi saw a woman's wrist in court and went home and called his wife to use her, and he did, then his wife went chasing that woman away (I cant remember were) – hazoriz Jan 03 '16 at 22:15
  • Removed sources Ovois drabi noson 1.7. And eruvin 100b. >`and he shall rule over thee’ teaches that while the wife solicits with her heart the husband does so with his mouth – hazoriz Jan 03 '16 at 22:19
  • @mevaqesh I think I got it "that ought to justify them demanding... " my answer is 1 this question was only about the wife's obligation not the husbands obligation, men and women are not equal listen to the shiur that tzofnas ponaiyach commentated on the question. And 2 the husband has obligations but not whenever his wife wants but if she wants and shows it by making herself beautiful and he fulfills it they will have good children as is said in Eruvin above, but she can only demand with her mouth in court that he is not fulfilling his obligation, but if she demands from him he should not do – hazoriz Jan 03 '16 at 22:55
  • @mevaquesh the man's responsibility http://www.sefaria.org/Shulchan_Arukh,_Even_HaEzer.76 and not when the woman wants, if you want sources b"n I will provide them – hazoriz Jan 03 '16 at 23:08
  • @mevaqesh I added a source that biblically this is the only responsibility of the wife – hazoriz Jan 06 '16 at 19:14
  • When the Rambam says "should" does he mean "should" or "must"? You seem to be assuming "must"; I don't know the Rambam well enough to know what his conventions are. Also, the sources you quote about withholding seem to be about consistent, malicious behavior -- quite different from "not tonight". I can't read the Rav Feinstein quote (and I don't see his sources or a citation), so I can't evaluate that part. – Monica Cellio Jan 15 '16 at 01:41
  • @MonicaCellio Regarding should (what you are saying is very logical but here) the Halacha starts (even though they say the split into halohois where not done by him here it does seem to go together) I will add the Hebrew to the bold parts "Similarly, our Sages commandedוכן צוו חכמים a woman to conduct herself modestly at home, not toולא proliferate levity or frivolity before her husband, not toולא request intimacy verbally, nor toולא speak about this matter.

    She should notולא deny her husband [intimacy] to cause him anguish, so that he should increase his love for her."

     – hazoriz Jan 15 '16 at 01:51
  • @MonicaCellio Regarding withholding, yes it is about when the husband comes to court but if the husband forgives her nothing happens (it seems like a responsibility to him (so he can forgive her) not to Hashem) – hazoriz Jan 15 '16 at 01:54
  • @MonicaCellio if you ask the question regarding this responsility I will give it a +1 and favorite it, there are a lot of smart and learned people on this website I will be very interested in what they have to say (you can see that mevaqesh above also was shocked regarding this responsility, but I think I got it right, if I did not I want to know about it) – hazoriz Jan 15 '16 at 01:58
  • @MonicaCellio I just thought about it and it might be that according to rambam it is dirabonon (the sages commanded) , but Rabbi Moshe Feinstein sais it is deorisa – hazoriz Jan 15 '16 at 15:48
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    This doesn't make sense. Their is a explicit gemara eruvin 100b that it's forbidden for a man to insist his wife had sex with him. Additionally should implies optionallity as opposed to must /חייב – Orion Jul 04 '18 at 16:30
  • @Orion i do not see it as forbidden, but as bad behavior, the problem is not the insisting but the raping, also see ויכול לעשות עם אשתו מה שירצה בועל בכל עת שירצה , and http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=1096&pgnum=241 – hazoriz Jul 04 '18 at 16:44
  • @Hazoriz "Rav Moshe Feinstein says that this is her only biblical obligation all the rest are Rabbinic" Im talking but the chiyuv. Additionally where is that quote from and what part of that page are you referring to (and who's Sefer is it) – Orion Jul 04 '18 at 16:46
  • @Orion so, ??????? – hazoriz Jul 04 '18 at 16:47
  • @Orion it is a new thing that raping your wife is a crime (by non jews), in the past it was only bad behavior see page 17 here and the footnotes http://b.h.jewishmarriage.us/2017/12/booklet-what-is-marriage-from-halochik.html?m=1 – hazoriz Jul 04 '18 at 16:49
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    @Hazoriz you said you're only talking aboutbad behavior but you said it's a chiyuv on her to have biah. I'm bringing sources to the contrary.it WAS a crime. At least Rabbinic. How do you explain eruvin 100b where it says אסור לאדם שיכופ אשתו לדבר מצווה? It says forbidden! And that's not even using uni account any embarrassment or pain you cause! Chillul hashem! Doing a disgusting act! There are so many reasons is אסור! – Orion Jul 04 '18 at 16:51
  • @Orion please be sposific what source? – hazoriz Jul 04 '18 at 16:52
  • @Orion if i have a hiuv to give maaser , it does not let a kohen to steel it from me, i need to give it willingly – hazoriz Jul 04 '18 at 16:53
  • https://www.sefaria.org/Eruvin.100b.16 – hazoriz Jul 04 '18 at 16:54
  • @Hazoriz you said you're only talking aboutbad behavior but you said it's a chiyuv on her to have biah. I'm bringing sources to the contrary.it WAS a crime. At least Rabbinic. How do you explain eruvin 100b where it says אסור לאדם שיכופ אשתו לדבר מצווה? It says forbidden! And that's not even using uni account any embarrassment or pain you cause! Chillul hashem! Doing a disgusting act! There are so many reasons is אסור! – Orion Jul 04 '18 at 16:56
  • @Orion a woman who does not have relations with her huaband is a moredes, if she is not obligated to then what did she do wrong – hazoriz Jul 04 '18 at 16:57
  • @Orion the husband is not responsible for embarrassment and pain, becouse he is owed see http://www.hebrewbooks.org/pdfpager.aspx?req=1096&pgnum=241 – hazoriz Jul 04 '18 at 16:58
  • A woman who refuses to EVER have biah is a moredes. Because it's a expected part of the marriage and a communal norm to have biah Sometimes. So if she refuses to ever have biah then the marriage isn't a good marriage, he can't fulfill pru urivu, and she's not doing what she's expected but not required to do. So the rabbanan say to end it and since she was expected to do it sometimes they קנס her from get kesuba – Orion Jul 04 '18 at 17:01
  • Let us continue this discussion in chat. – Orion Jul 04 '18 at 17:01
  • @Orion the crime אסור  is only to rape her, but that does not mean she is not obligated to have relations with him, these are 2 seperate points – hazoriz Jul 04 '18 at 17:02
  • Haven't read the comments but this seems like an excellent summary. – SAH Jul 29 '18 at 17:05
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see Booklet: What is Jewish Marriage

the wife's obligations from the index there: (for souces and details see above link)

her obligations:

W1 Conjugal Relations
W2 to be by her husband
W3 Work of the hands
W4 Found Things
W5 Usufruct of her property
W6 Inherit her Nedunya (the Nichsei Tzon Barzel)
W6.1 inherits all other property

her husband's rights

H.R.1 Right to have relations with his wife (W1 above)
H.R.2 Right that it is physically possible to have relations
H.R.3 Right to have relations without clothing
H.R.4 Right that wife does not have conjugal relations with another man.
H.R.5 Right to forbid wife from secluding herself with another man
H.R.6 Right that wife is not forbidden to him for relations
H.R.7 Right that his wife is able to do certain things
H.R.8 Right that wife works every day to prevent licentiousness
H.R.9 Right not to have a wife with vows
H.R.10 Right to have a child
H.R.11 Right that wife does not miscarry 3 times in a row
H.R.12 Right that all defects that a husband is forced to divorce his wife and epilepsy, do not happen to his wife
H.R.13 Right that wife does not make him sin
H.R.14 Right that wife does not cause the children to die
H.R.15 Right that wife acts modestly like Jewish girls
H.R.16 Right that wife is not bad
H.R.17 Right regarding where to live
H.R.18 Right not to have bad neighbors
H.R.19 Right to live in peace
H.R.20 Right regarding wife’s relatives visiting
H.R.21 Right that wife is with him
H.R.22 Right to hire a handmaid
H.R.23 Right that wife does not breastfeed other children
H.R.24 Right to the children after divorce

proper behavior:

W.C.1. to honor her husband exceedingly and to be in awe of him
W.C.2. She should carry out all her deeds according to his directives
W.C.3. She should follow the desires of his heart and shun everything that he disdains
W.C.4. A woman shouldn't accustom herself to go out a lot
W.C.5. Minhagim
W.C.6. If she helps her husband, so that he can learn Torah
W.C.7. To love your husband
W.C.8. Not to hate him
W.C.9. to make peace

hazoriz
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  • This seems to be a link-only answer – רבות מחשבות Jul 04 '18 at 23:02
  • While this link may answer the question, it is better to include the essential parts of the answer here and provide the link for reference. Link-only answers can become invalid if the linked page changes. - From Review – sabbahillel Jul 04 '18 at 23:33
  • @sabbahillel is it better now? – hazoriz Jul 04 '18 at 23:47
  • @hazoriz number 3 is by a women to – Orion Jul 05 '18 at 03:42
  • Of HR Number three also applies to the wife. Seven is not his right nine is actually a right to annul vows. Semantics and slight difference. Number 10 source? Number 12 what does this mean? Number 13 has nothing to do with marriage and applies to both party's as far as I know. Number 14 how is this a right? Number 15 source? Right 16 source? Definition? 17 source? – Orion Jul 05 '18 at 03:57
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    18 had nothing to do with marriage. And applies to both parties. 21 source? 22 nothing to do with marriage. Also she can also do this. 23 possibly doesn't apply nowadays. 25 source? Also how does one have a right over children? Are we talking about a girl less than 12? – Orion Jul 05 '18 at 03:58
  • @Orion all the sources, explanations and details are in the pdf in the link, his hiymuvim are not being asked for – hazoriz Jul 05 '18 at 07:59
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    The linked PDF is actually really useful, as are the other booklets on that site – SAH Jul 29 '18 at 17:04
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    @SAH thank you, your opinion as a woman living in todays time, means alot – hazoriz Jul 29 '18 at 17:10
  • @hazoriz My pleasure. – SAH Jul 29 '18 at 18:59